Disclaimer: I usually care about the language I use in my writing but I don’t think I can anymore. So if you’re offended by the way I’ve worded anything apologies but just need to get some things off my chest.
I’ve avoided writing for a while now and it’s mainly because my mental health has been so sideways that I didn’t wanna put out too many words that could eventually become damaging (to myself & others). With that being said, I still feel those things but my brain is a little less foggy now and I’m able to process things a tad better. So, here goes 🙂
Contrary to face value, loneliness isn’t actually about being alone.
I mean, I am an introvert through and through so I genuinely love my own company but even when surrounded by all my loved ones, feelings of displacement and “being in the room but not part of the room” still persist. Loneliness is about feeling isolated and rather than physically, it is usually through a lack of social connection. It’s a yearn, for belonging in some respect, feeling as if you actually have a place and hold meaningful connections too. It’s about being heard and understood. Loneliness is subjective but for the purpose of this post I am talking about chronic loneliness.
Loneliness is something I’ve really had to come to terms with over the past 3 years. So here is a wee story time.
Just over 3 years ago, I received some news from an unknowing person that really flipped my entire existence upside down. What made this news harder to digest was the fact that I couldn’t just willingly share it. It wasn’t only a secret from me but from everyone around me too and for those who already knew, it was taboo. Whilst I will neither confirm or deny the news in this post, for those of you who I have told, you already know to stay pimm until I’m ready (and thanks for doing so thus far).
Anyway, everything I thought about myself kinda died that day.
My brain felt completely broken for a good two months following and then over the next 10 months I watched my whole world start to deteriorate around me. I couldn’t think straight, I was second guessing all my loved ones, I couldn’t study and ended up having to take a leave of absence for a year. I couldn’t even work properly – during that time I was in and out of 4 jobs until I just decided to stop working altogether. I was having on average 2 migraines a week, Insomnia eventually every night and I lost SO much weight because my appetite completely vanished. I avoided my friends which at first was because of circumstance i.e. I was broke, but then it slowly turned into “I’m just not that nice to be around so why would I subject you to that?” (still avoiding tbh but I’ll talk about that later). I withdrew from my family and reduced the circle I engaged with to about 5 people. Two of those people were my sisters (who I love very much and thank God for everyday). I also started this blog aha.
At this point, I also didn’t actually have a solid place to live and was sofa surfing. My parents weren’t as supportive as they could of been but I understand that this was because they didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t trying to be a bum or be trash: I was still gigging and after a few months of avoiding interviews (because my anxiety was on 1000) I set up the hair business. Just know that sofa surfing/living out of a suitcase is MF dead.
It’s weird typing this. Saying this. Is it too much? Who knows.
Either way, nothing was stable. During that year I think I convinced myself that things were easier because I didn’t have to focus on uni but honestly, it just gave me more time to think myself into an abyss. For the most part I felt like a failure and in a lot of cases still do but I’m working on it aha. So, when my leave of absence was coming to a close, things were actually rockier than ever. Yet still, I tried to stay as functional as possible and the internet got most of my mental mess.
I say all of this to stress that being functional yet depressed is more isolating than just being depressed. Why?
Because there are even more opportunities for what you’re feeling/thinking to be dismissed. “You look fine” “you seem fine” “but you’re still able to do xyz”. This was a major contributor to my loneliness. It’s also why I decided to stop gigging for over a year – art imitating life – no matter how many times I sang my depression, it was sung so well that it was hard for people to actually consume the content. I wasn’t on stage because I was happy and being on stage didn’t equal happiness, I needed coins so I could put food in my mouth and pay for travel. But when you’re on stage, no matter what you plan to give, people will still consume you the way they see fit.
This is a bit ramb-ly because why wouldn’t it be?
Fast forward, things were starting to look up at one point – this was when I was able to find a home and finally moved into final year after appealing my life away (forward slash, finally opening up about everything that had happened the past few years). Then just when I thought things were sick, some mad trash happened again last year and it threw me into an even deeper depression which then perpetuated the cycle. Feeling like ass and so isolating myself with the aim that no one else had to deal with me, exacerbating the loneliness and feeding back into feeling like ass.
I started to develop agoraphobia and couldn’t leave the house unless I was going into a taxi. I also had twice the amount of financial commitments and as a result my final year of uni SUFFERED. I was working soooooooooooo much. I also genuinely feel like sciatica is on the menu so if anyone wants to fund me some physio/regular massages I’d be grateful. hehe.
Just to clarify, my anxiety and depression made it hard to work in spaces where my social meter determined my worth (e.g. food/hospitality, retail etc) so whilst I get how objectively it may have seemed easier to not have a business, it was actually my only option to have something sustainable and pay my way.
Around this time, my relationship had transitioned into a long distance one and even though I’d been in one before, this was different.
I’m not necessarily a touchy feely person but sometimes you just need that really enveloping embrace, like a mummy bear protecting her child.
Hugs from my boy are seriously like drugs. Listen, adulthood is the biggest scam because it will really make out as if these feelings are immature when really they’re just unprocessed things from childhood that are stopping you from moving forward but I digress.
Re learning everything about yourself during a time when you’re usually coming into yourself is wild.
It’s during a time when people think that you should have some idea of what’s next. And the jarring thing is that this world loves to rush rush everything. I hate how life made me think that I needed to somehow process 22 years of life in basically a week. I really had to force myself to say “FXCK IT CAH UNNU LOT DOAN DESERVE MI” cuz it’s not everyday read a text “um, do you have a problem with me?” I’d have to say that these past couple years have slowly transitioned into “I don’t know what or where or who anymore”. And it’s scary. But alas, I found ways to keep me sane: By deciding to just take this uncertainty and do the things I was putting off during the time I thought I had it all on lock.
Basically, my head still hurts, I still feel lonely, I don’t actually know what I’m doing next in life, things keep changing around me and really I just wanna cry myself into a coma but I’ve also made new really meaningful connections during this time, started (and progressed really well in) a new sport, have had a growing business for 2.5 years now and started working on a solo project (of the music I hear in my brain but can’t execute with one voice and guitar) – nothing is ever all bad but nothing is ever all good either. Let’s say it together *realism*
Going through all these major changes caused so much anxiety but then I was also always too socially anxious anyway to share my difficulties in a way that would actually help. My brain would say: at the end of the day, no one is obligated to care for you or consider all your needs so as long as you ask for help you’re opening yourself up to the risk of relying on something that may never come through.
I find it hard to ask for help because when it falls through I have the tendency to blame myself for not trying to just do it myself.
I deny myself of the concept of being let down because I always feel as if it’s avoidable somehow. I realise it’s an irrational way to think and so it is something I’m always working on but I definitely keep my ass to myself for a reason. I didn’t want to tell my friends what I was going through because I knew the weight of it was actually too much… a problem shared is not a problem halved. The problem is halved when there are solutions and sharing doesn’t necessarily guarantee that. Anxiety is the fear of uncertainty, people are uncertain, I’m uncertain. This is what makes anxiety excruciating because it’s never ending.
Anyway, stuff was getting super dark so I took myself to the doctors cuz I couldn’t be arsed with a complete breakdown & the passive ideation was becoming too frequent for comfort. I’ve avoided this since I was 14 because I was convinced that if you work hard enough, you can undo the mess. But sometimes our health can be so bad that the only thing you have energy left for is to survive, leaving none for the processing. I take meds now for my depression/anxiety, it’s helped stabilise my mood and it’s also taken the heart palpitations down to a point where I can actually answer the phone when the bank calls. It’s still all new so who knows but I’ve actually started to see the benefits and I just hope moving forward I can start to do the necessary work needed to get my brain back. It makes me feel weird that this is a part of my life and also that I’m sharing it but tbh I’m a blunt lass and I don’t have time for dancing around topics that are smacking us in the face. With all that being said, there is still a bagga mess in my life as we read, mans still fragile and weirdly, reconnecting with friends is one of the last things on my list. My loneliness comes from being misunderstood and whilst it may not work for everyone, I have to know who I am again before I can try and be someone for others. Could sound a wee counterproductive but something always has to give.
My mental health has lost me some friends but it is what it is, so I rest on the hope that those that haven’t left me, will be able to accept me when I am actually ready. Reconnecting will be the most important piece to this calamity of a puzzle.
Affie x
P.s. *edit* hopefully in writing this, those who are dealing with loneliness will know that they’re truly never alone.
affiejam.wordpress.com 
I wish you all the best, and to get rid of the dark thoughts.
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