Disclaimer: This blog was written so many months ago I’d say it isn’t necessarily representative of where I am now i.e. more has happened. Nevertheless, I still stand by the points I made. It was long so I split it into two posts: perceptions vs reality.
Warning: You may experience the being ‘called-out’ phenomenon.
INTRODUCTION
So let’s be honest, life is trash – I don’t know about you, but life is trash. Even when you make it what you make it, it’s still trash. What doesn’t have to be trash though is me (or you) or whoever.
Self awareness is like potential but holding yourself accountable is essentially the fulfilment of that potential. Telling yourself behind closed doors that you know you’re lazy or that you know you have problems with impulse spending is all great until someone calls you out on it and you’re in your blarsted feels. Being in your feels is not the same as having feelings – it’s a glaring defence mechanism. You know that you know, so just accept it and if you can’t, you clearly need to take it into account and do something about it.
The idea of having nothing to blame but myself motivated and sharpened my discipline to do more for myself. Yes, I am aware that some things are out of my control e.g. the weather, but it would be safe to say it’s my fault if I actively choose not to wear waterproofs or bring an umbrella on the day it rains. Don’t get me wrong though, it’s a very emotional and mentally challenging journey depending on your character and life up until the point you make the decision to work on it.
For me, I needed to detox. The only problem is that life is a constant dance between humans and not just inanimate objects. I couldn’t commit to a massive cut off so instead I weaned myself off everything in a very metered way. This was for me just as much as everyone else – cold turkey is a choice I rejected for financial needs and my own mental health. I began with the things that just did not make me happy, then went onto the things that weren’t changing anything, then went for the things that meant good but weren’t being navigated very efficiently and so on.
In the end? I have just been doing me and the most important part meant allowing myself to grieve and hurt about the things that actually matter but not so much that it would stop me from staying afloat in my now smaller world. This is just the beginning of a lifestyle that aims to integrate self-care^ into everything I do.
Our Status – Interpersonal Relationships
Which people actually fulfil the criteria of a friend?
We are responsible for the people we keep around us i.e. a fake friend is yours by choice. A large part of this does require intuition and common sense.
I recall a 6 month stretch where I didn’t have a phone at all and I distinctly remember only speaking to 4 people in rotation (you’ll be surprised to see how alone you are when accessibility is restricted). I also plainly remember the very few that made the relatively small effort to actually get through to me. I made note that ‘out out of sight, out of mind’ isn’t just reserved for those with ADD and alike disorders which helped to put a lot of things into perspective.
Sometimes you have to give people the benefit of the doubt, sometimes people will be going through their own stuff so just to make sure you’re not making rash decisions, it’s always good to ask. (Based on the fact the majority reading this are adults) the idea of being too busy is quickly put to rest when you at least make the effort to express that you are busy and for them to do the same. If the people around you can’t accept that you’re very busy then they’re not the people for you.
People should care about you because they care about you, not because they think they should care about you. Main indicators are in the action-less thoughts and the good intentions that mean nothing because they come with empty hands.
It’s all cute that you were looking to come, but you didn’t come and nothing else matters than the validity of the actual reason why you couldn’t. I’d rather you just tell me “I didn’t come because none of my friends were going.”
“I pLaNnEd To WaSh ThE dIsHeS bUt ThEn I lOsT tRaCk Of TiMe” vs “I planned to wash the dishes this morning but my manager just ordered me into work an hour early” OR “YoU sHoUlD hIt Me Up!/We ShOuLd ToTaLlY mEeT uP!” vs “What’s your diary saying next week?”… Knowing the difference saved my brain cells from working myself up over people and things that just do not matter or don’t work in tandem for our benefit. Intentions, plans and fulfilment. The only time I can let it slide is with honesty and there’s not a lot of that.
Biggest lesson?
I check myself in the same breath and often have to make note that I sometimes allow my anxiety to be the reason I don’t reach out to someone when in actual fact, anxiety isn’t the reason, I am. Anxiety just makes it harder. If I am aware of how bad my anxiety is then I should also be aware that I need to work on it and so to not do so, even if it requires pooling help from others, ultimately falls on me.
Moving forward, you essentially filter out the time wasters; time is my highest priority because I can never get it back. I am able to make better informed decisions about how I spend my leisurely time and who I go to for what request, issue, a good old vent etc.
Interpersonal relationships fall in a hierarchy just like anything else and it really isn’t that peak. You would not promote a waitress to team leader if they were not fulfilling the role or wasn’t displaying the potential to either.
Unwritten Status
Where do I fall in this socially constructed pecking order?
I make heavy and active note of how social media/people really hype you up for no reason – well none of holistic substance anyway and when you’re off the scene? Lol. The quietest ones have always been those that are consistently vocal about their ‘best-interest-at-heart’ views towards me. Views filled with flattery and (frivolous) support but always amount to a form of ‘returning the favour’. And may I unapologetically add, I’ve experienced it from my church community especially* (so you can just imagine the epiphany there).
Then there’s that undeniable correlation between my visibility in the media and how many people are up my ass
In the past, I always used to feel a constant underlying discomfort regarding the contrast between how I felt and what people thought of me. I was in constant conflict because I would be screaming no inside but still had to do yes for some sad reason. People have this crazy power to make you feel way more valued and special than what is actually true and I tell you now, it’s so so so damaging. It’s not that I am not valuable or special, but rather that my value is not seen by these individuals because they simply don’t understand it and have no intention to. We are measured by these socially constructed nuance-free lies and in general, end up doing things that do not align with our intents at all, eventually concluding in a heavy cloud of displacement:
“Why am I here… how did I even get here?” “Why am I still at this job?” “Why am I studying the course?” “Why am I singing songs I don’t believe in?” “Why am I even at her party?”
I spent a lot of time writing down the things that were important to me and only those things. I wrote down the things that make me happy and only those things. I made a list of all the things I wanted to do but didn’t because I thought of someone else first – then I started to smash each one like a to-do list.
Biggest Lesson?
I find that now I am more mentally in line with how insignificant I really am in reality, I am less likely to allow people to make me feel more or less than that I have established for myself. I can’t even count how often people respond to my realistic views of myself by mentioning ‘insecurity’ (or humility). I know the difference!! I know exactly what my insecurities are but openly expressing any disappointments (and joy) regarding position or progression is literally called checking yourself. In addition, by insignificant, I mean in a big picture kind of way: I now know why I’m saying no – because if I don’t choose to look after myself, why should anyone else?
For example, I don’t make music or perform for anyone else but myself so naturally I am going to gig less but just because you haven’t heard me sing in ages doesn’t mean I need to do more gigs – you just literally have to come to the ones I am doing and if you don’t, tough.
I definitely found that when I tailored my decisions to benefit me… better ones came without prompt.
Understanding the degree to which the views of society are fleeting, the core of ‘a whole fave’ and ‘cancel’ culture – not to mention how much less information we can take in at any one time due to the overtake of technology; I definitely have only me to carve out and decide my story even in the face of inaccurate perception. I know how my actions and appearance are viewed by others by simply understanding who they are as people. I know where my piercings are demonised and where they are praised. I know where my hairstyles are admired and where they are labelled as weird. I know which men will approach me when I’m dressed in dresses and which men approach me in slacks. I know who will refer to me as dark-skinned and who will say ‘you’re actually in the middle’. I know who can process the fact I am an academic as much as a multi-faceted creative and those that can only assume I do music. Nevertheless, none of this matters because all of that can easily change tomorrow with one vote, headline, stereotypically demeaning paragraph in an AQA textbook etc. Staying true to me, falls on me for the simple fact that no one else can define me all at once at any given time – ever.
Affie
You don’t have to talk to me but:
Definitely stay tuned for (PT II) A SMALL LESSON IN INTROSPECTION & ACCOUNTABILITY: REALITY, coming whenever, which will be looking at “reality” – who are you when de strenkt of de Bleck Pantheh (social status) is strippedt aweh?
^Self care has really become a commodity despite the fact it’s not something that can ever be packaged and sold. For starters, we’ve all been raised in a world that’s crap and doesn’t actually teach you about self-preservation beyond what the naked eye can see. But ultimately, we have been conditioned into thinking self-care equals a justified amount of selfishness. We are constantly exposed to damaging ideologies and behaviours wrapped up in cute spa ads and meditation podcasts and never question why we still feel like ass afterwards – you’re still wading in the mess mate. Nearly all of us will be playing catch up for the rest of our lives. Oh what folly, oh what truth.
*Definitely another blogpost in itself.
Photo taken at some airport, during some time, by someone who used to care… or maybe not, lol you already know.
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